Guest Blog
Written by Jacob Mergendoller, LCSW. Jacob is a therapist and founder of LightLine Therapy, a psychotherapy practice in New York City. Jacob specializes in working with men, high-achieving perfectionists, and work stress/burnout.
Some people approach their mental health with the same level of dedication they'd bring to a graduate degree. They know the ins and outs of their attachment style, can explain how their childhood experiences impact them today, and casually mention the consequences of their perfectionism or people-pleasing.
If self-awareness was a college course, they'd have an A.
Unfortunately, they still spend forty-five minutes rewriting a perfectly reasonable text message because they’re worried it sounds rude. Even with all that knowledge and self-awareness, they keep doing the same stuff.
Eventually, this leads to some version of the question:
"I know I do this. I know WHY I do this. So why can't I stop?" Then they give me a look of complete exasperation.
What a fair question. And what a frustrating aspect of changing something about yourself, because we tend to assume that once we understand a problem well enough, we should be able to solve it.
Unfortunately, our brains don't always work that way.
Self-Awareness Is The First Step. But It’s Only The First Step.
I work with a lot of very capable, analytical people who are exceptionally good at solving problems.
When something goes wrong at work, they usually know what to do. When they don't understand something, they research it until they do. And generally, this approach works pretty well for them.
So naturally, when they notice something about themselves they want to change, they approach it the same way. They try to understand it by diving into attachment styles, learn about their anxiety, identify their triggers, and start connecting the dots between their childhood experiences and their current behaviors.
Of course, that’s all incredibly useful. Understanding why you do something can help you make sense of reactions that previously felt confusing or irrational. It can also help you recognize patterns before they completely take over.
But there's a difference between understanding something intellectually and being able to respond differently when it actually matters. You can know that saying no doesn't make you selfish and still feel incredibly guilty when you turn someone down.
Or you can know that making a mistake at work doesn't mean you're incompetent and still spend the entire evening feeling down about yourself.
Your intellectual understanding might be completely accurate, but the part of you that’s threatened, guilty, or anxious still has a lot of feelings about it.
Your Patterns Are Probably Doing Something for You
This is one of the first things I try to help clients understand when they're frustrated about repeating the same behaviors: our patterns exist for a reason.
And often, the behaviors we're trying hardest to get rid of are the same ones that have helped us navigate difficult situations in the past. For example, let’s look at perfectionism.
Someone might tell me they're exhausted from holding themselves to impossible standards. They spend way too much time on relatively unimportant tasks, struggle to delegate, and feel like nothing they do is ever quite good enough.
They know it's a problem and they want to change it.
But when I ask what they imagine would happen if they stopped being so perfectionistic, the conversation usually reveals something else.
"Well, I'd probably start making mistakes."
Okay. And what would be so bad about that?
"People might think I'm not good at my job."
And what would that mean?
"I don't know. I guess I'd feel like a failure."
Perfectionism now starts to make a little more sense. It's helping this (theoretical) person avoid something that feels genuinely threatening: criticism, failure, embarrassment, or the possibility of not being good enough.
And if perfectionism has helped them avoid those feelings for years, why would their brain be particularly eager to give it up? The same logic applies to plenty of other patterns.
People-pleasing might help you avoid conflict or rejection.
Overthinking might give you a temporary sense of control when you're feeling uncertain.
Avoiding difficult conversations might protect you from the possibility of upsetting someone or being misunderstood.
These behaviors often work, at least in the short term, and that's part of what makes them so difficult to change. You might be completely aware that a pattern is creating problems in your life, but another part of you still believes it's keeping you safe.
And until you understand what you think you're risking by letting it go, simply telling yourself to stop probably isn't going to accomplish much.
Sometimes Self-Awareness Becomes Another Way to Avoid Change
Sometimes the very thing that helps people understand themselves can also become another way of staying stuck. I'm talking about overanalyzing (and I say this with a lot of affection for my fellow overthinkers).
Some people are incredibly good at examining their emotions, identifying their triggers, and explaining why they respond to situations the way they do. Sometimes that's exactly what they need. But sometimes, all that analyzing starts to replace the thing they actually need to do.
Imagine someone who struggles with setting boundaries.
They know they have a tendency to put other people's needs ahead of their own. They understand that they hate disappointing people. They can probably trace this pattern back to experiences they had growing up.
So when a friend asks them for a favor they really don't want to do, what happens? They spend the next three days thinking, journaling, talking to their therapist about why saying no feels so uncomfortable. They think about what their guilt means and why they're so concerned about their friend's reaction.
And then they might say yes anyway.
At some point, I think it's worth asking whether another insight is actually going to help, or whether the search for more understanding has become a way to postpone doing something uncomfortable.
Because sometimes you already know enough and there’s no more data you can gather by delaying and analyzing more. You know why setting boundaries is difficult. You know where the guilt comes from. You know that saying no is reasonable.
What you haven't practiced is saying no while feeling guilty.
And unfortunately, there's no amount of intellectual understanding that can completely substitute for that experience.
Knowing What to Do Is Different From Doing It When You're Anxious
Another reason changing patterns is difficult is that we tend to underestimate how differently we respond to situations when we're emotionally activated.
Think about an argument with your partner. When you're calm, you probably have a pretty good understanding of how you'd like to communicate (you should listen, try to understand their perspective, avoid getting defensive, etc).
Sounds reasonable enough. But then your partner makes a comment that touches a familiar insecurity and suddenly, all those communication skills you know so well go right out the window.
You get defensive or you shut down or you start explaining why they're wrong instead of trying to understand what they're saying. And afterward, once you've calmed down, you can usually recognize exactly what happened.
"I know. I got defensive because I felt criticized. I should've just listened."
Great. So what happens the next time?
The exact same thing?
And that's because our emotional responses don't always change at the same pace as our intellectual understanding. When something triggers a familiar sense of threat, rejection, or inadequacy, we can fall back on responses we've practiced for years.
Those reactions may happen quickly, before we've had much opportunity to think through how we'd prefer to respond. This is also why therapy can involve more than talking about why you feel a certain way.
Depending on the person and what they're working through, it can involve learning to recognize emotional reactions as they're happening, developing ways to regulate those responses, and practicing new behaviors in situations that would normally trigger the old ones.
For some people, approaches that work more directly with emotional experiences and bodily responses can also be helpful. The important part is recognizing that knowing what you want to do and being able to do it when you're upset are different skills.
So How Do You Actually Change a Pattern You Already Understand?
I wish there was a simple answer here. But I think the process usually involves a few things that are less exciting than having a big psychological breakthrough.
1. Figure Out What the Pattern Is Protecting You From
Instead of only asking yourself, Why do I keep doing this? try asking a slightly different question:
What am I afraid would happen if I stopped?
If you're constantly seeking reassurance, what would it feel like to make a decision without someone telling you it's the right one?
If you're a people-pleaser, what do you imagine would happen if someone was disappointed in you?
If you're a perfectionist, what would it mean to turn in something that was good enough instead of perfect?
Often, the answer will tell you why the pattern has been so persistent. And they give us a better sense of what actually needs to change.
2. Stop Waiting Until Doing Something Different Feels Comfortable
A lot of people assume that once they've worked through something sufficiently, changing their behavior should start to feel natural.
But that's not necessarily how it works. Sometimes setting a healthy boundary is going to make you feel guilty. Sometimes expressing your needs is going to make you feel vulnerable. Sometimes making a decision without reassurance is going to make you anxious.
And sometimes you're going to do the healthier thing and still feel pretty uncomfortable afterward.
That doesn't automatically mean you made the wrong choice, that may just mean you're doing something your brain isn't particularly used to doing.
Part of changing a pattern is learning that you can tolerate those feelings without immediately returning to the behavior that makes them go away.
3. Start Small and Pay Attention to What Actually Happens
If you've spent your entire life avoiding conflict, you probably don't need to start by confronting the most intimidating person you know.
Start somewhere manageable instead. A few ideas: tell a friend you'd rather eat at a different restaurant. Make a relatively small decision without asking three people for their opinions. Send an email after reviewing it once instead of twelve times. Let someone be mildly disappointed without immediately trying to fix it.
And then pay attention to what comes up for you.
Did the terrible thing you were anticipating actually happen?
If it did, were you able to handle it?
Was the discomfort as unbearable as you expected?
The goal isn't to prove that nothing bad will ever happen when you change your behavior. Sometimes people will be disappointed. Sometimes you'll make mistakes. Sometimes a conversation won't go the way you hoped.
The goal is to develop more confidence in your ability to handle those experiences without automatically relying on the same old patterns. And that confidence usually comes from experience, not just understanding.
You Might Already Know Enough to Start Doing Something Different
I think one of the more frustrating realizations in therapy is that sometimes there isn't another big insight waiting around the corner.
At some point, the work becomes less about figuring out why you do something and more about learning how to respond differently when you feel the urge to do it again.
For many of the high-achieving, analytical people I work with in New York City, this is where therapy becomes particularly valuable. We spend time understanding their patterns, but we also work on recognizing what those patterns are accomplishing and what makes changing them so difficult.
Because being able to explain your behavior is useful. Being able to make a different choice, even when it's uncomfortable, is where things start to change.
You might not need another breakthrough about why you do what you do. You might just need some practice doing something different.
If you're in New York and recognize yourself in this, LightLine Therapy helps thoughtful, self-aware adults move beyond understanding their patterns and start making meaningful changes.
Reach out for a consultation to learn more about working together.
About Little Bird Counseling
If you're finding that insight alone hasn't helped you make the changes you're hoping for, therapy can offer an opportunity to work with these patterns in a different way. At Little Bird Counseling, we offer virtual therapy throughout New York and Massachusetts for adults who feel stuck in cycles of anxiety, perfectionism, overthinking, or self-criticism. Our approach incorporates somatic therapy, EMDR, Brainspotting, and other experiential approaches to help you move beyond understanding your patterns and begin experiencing something different.
If you're ready to explore a different way of relating to yourself, learn more about working together.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I keep repeating the same patterns even when I'm aware of them?
Many psychological patterns persist because they serve a purpose, such as reducing anxiety, avoiding conflict, or protecting you from uncomfortable feelings. Even when you recognize that a behavior is unhelpful in the long term, it may still provide immediate relief or a sense of control. Changing it often requires understanding what the behavior accomplishes and practicing different responses.
Why isn't self-awareness enough to change behavior?
Self-awareness helps you recognize and understand your patterns, but behavior change also involves emotional learning, repeated practice, and developing the ability to respond differently in situations that trigger familiar reactions. Knowing what you should do when you're calm doesn't always mean you'll be able to do it when you're anxious, upset, or feeling vulnerable.
Can overthinking prevent personal growth?
Yes. Reflection can be helpful, but excessive analysis can sometimes become a way to avoid taking action. For example, someone might spend considerable time understanding why they struggle with boundaries without actually practicing setting them. When self-reflection stops producing useful information, experimenting with a different behavior may be more productive.
How do I break patterns I've had since childhood?
Start by identifying when the pattern appears, what feelings or situations trigger it, and what the behavior helps you avoid or manage. From there, you can begin practicing alternative responses in manageable situations. Patterns developed over many years may take time to change, and therapy can help you understand and work through the emotional experiences that make those patterns difficult to let go of.
How can therapy help if I already understand my problems?
Therapy can help you move beyond identifying patterns to understanding what maintains them and practicing new ways of responding. Depending on your needs, this might involve exploring underlying beliefs, working with emotional reactions, improving your ability to tolerate discomfort, processing difficult experiences, or making behavioral changes. The goal is to help your self-awareness translate into meaningful changes in your everyday life.